Rant.

Honestly, I have no idea why I'm so into. You've done some pretty fucked up things to me already. But yet, I still manage to find the good in you. I'm tired of waiting for you and not even in the relationship status way.

I just want to hang out. I mean, okay, maybe you are truly busy and don't have time to hang out. But come on. I text you and it takes you a week to respond. Saying that you've been busy and that you missed my text. Then you said you'll let me know when you're free. It's been a week since then, so I decided to text you. Then you text me 10 hours later saying sorry because you missed it. 

I'm running out of patiences for you. But every time I say to myself that I'm through with you, you somehow do manage to come back and I can't be mad because there's no valid reason for me to doubt you. I'm so confused. You drive me insane and we barely talk on a daily basis. Maybe it's because you mean something to me, but you don't feel anything for me and you don't want to lead me on. Ugh, at this point I don't care.

I just want to hang out with you. I want that date to happen. You kind of still owe me. I took care of your ass. I could have left you. I had many chances to escape your sloppy drunken ass. But I didn't. I didn't care how spent my time with you. I just wanted to be with you. There's something I feel with you. And you probably don't feel it. It's okay. I don't expect you to. But please, for me, can you just give me the chance where I can truly happy. I want to feel that euphoria that I haven't felt in years. For some reason, I know I'll feel it when I'm with you. 

I don't want to keep bothering you when you might be busy or just blowing me off. I told myself, if this doesn't happen before summer ends, then I'll move on. But, I know when that day comes, you'll hit me up and I'll be in the same cycle as I am right now. 

I'm just lonely. Everyone is coupling up. I don't necessarily want to be in a relationship but can we at least have a day where we can talk about anything. Hold hands. And just talk. I'll let you in easily. I'll spill my heart out to you. 

I'm such a mess for you. I'm constantly just waiting for that text when you say you'll be free. But I don't know if that'll ever come through. There's something about you. I don't know what it is. It's just you. You are you and I think that's why. 

Anyway, I got a tumblr now. But I don't blog about my feelings there. I mostly reblog. I'll always have Xanga to vent or rant to.

But for yall that have tumblr, follow me! 

http://jeffrockzzzz.tumblr.com/

First Dinner Date with My Best Friend, Julie

Yesterday, which was Saturday, I took my best friend, Julie out to dinner. 

Before all that, I had to take my aunt to work and since the mall was on the way back and I had time to kill. I went inside Dillard's and went through the cologne section. I found the one I wanted and sprayed some on then left.

As I was driving to her house, I got a text from her asking if she should wear heels or boots. I said heels. Why not? I said hi to her mom and her mom was teasing her that she was wearing heels. During the drive, I played music from a playlist that I made for Valentine's day. I took her to Bonefish Grill. I didn't make reservations but it was not that long of a wait. A 30-45 minute wait, not too bad for a fancy ass restaurant. When we were sitted, we quickly looked at the menu and decided what we wanted to get. We had calimari for an appetizer. She ordered Bang Bang Tacos while I ordered Bang Bang shrimp for our main dish. It was incredibly delicious. I think it's the Bang Bang sauce that made it so good. Our conversation throughout the night was endless. We talked just about everything. It was really nice. We talked about her future because she changed her mind about being a pharmacist. After her undergrad at VCU, she wants to join the Navy. I think go to school through them for about 4-5 years then possibly quit and go from there. It was interesting. She told me that she was always wanted to go into the Navy since she was little. She thought about going to pharmacy school and she thought it would be boring to go to school for another 4 years and then what. It definitely got me thinking about what I want to do but I don't plan to change my plans or anything like that. We also talked about how the place was fancy and that we were dress right for it. We felt young compared to all the other people ordering drinks. It was funny because we're old enough to go out to this type of places but yet we feel a bit immature at the same time. We kind of made fun of people around us but nothing too bad. Our waitress was so nice so I tipped her pretty good.

We then headed to Cold Stone for some dessert. I have a friend, Lennore, who works there and if I plan correctly get a free dessert. We walked in and she was working. We waited in line and she got our order, Cheesecake Fantasy. I told her that we were on a date and she said that's cute. haha. Lennore checked us out and she printed the receipt from the previous customer to make it seem like we paid. And bam, free dessert. Julie and I ate outside and there were to other people outside with us. For some reason there were mad people at Town Center that night. A lot of white girls dressed with short black dresses even though it was mad chilly. The people next to us started to joke those girls and we heard them and we started laughing and making jokes with them. It was hilarious! We finished our dessert and we walked around for a bit then started to head home. I dropped her off, walked her to the door, went inside just to say hi to her dad. Then said our goodbyes and left.

It was a wonderful night. A great way to have my first experience on a dinner date specially with her. I'm glad I took Julie out. It's the first of many dinner dates, I hope, I'm sure. As I was driving back home, I was thinking of how it would have gone if we were together. It would be more physical but at the same time, baby steps. I can't rush things like this. It takes time. And after hearing what she wants to do with her life, I think I've decided when I should pour my heart out to her.

I think the summer between after her VCU graduation and before she enters the Navy. That time between those two events. There's a lot of variables that have to be planned for. I want her to be single. It's going to be hard because I don't have control over that. I don't know what I would do if she did have a boyfriend by then. But if she is single, that senario has been playing in my mind over and over again. The outcome is endless. She'll either feel the same or not. And the number one risk: our friendship. Am I willing to risk that for this? Yes. I'm tired of suppressing these feelings. She needs to know. I rather take the chance than not at all and be left with 'what if's'. 

I hope our dinner date was one of the rememberable times you had during your Spring Break '11, Julie. =) 

Suppressing Feelings

I'm usually not the type to suppress feelings. When it comes to her, I am very good use to be good at it.

It's one of those relationships where we've been best friends since middle school. Since then we made alot of mutual friends and our families have mutual friends. It's one of those things where i'm always and forever going to have somewhat of crush on her. Throughout high school, I've learned to suppress these feelings. It was easy because she had a boyfriend during most of high school. I had a serious relationship that ended badly after 2 years. I had a chance with a "dream girl" that turned out to be a slut bad hoe. I was preoccupied with the fact that she had a boyfriend and I was doing my thing. 

Since then everything has been good. Then college came into play. I mean, I've been having one hell of a time. Going out partying, clubbing, drinking, not giving a damn, not tied down, don't have to listen or answer to anyone. She is having the time of her live. Living 2 hours from her parents, in a dorm, doing her, freedom, the college life in a city. We've both had those accidental mishappens and blamed it on the liquor. But then, we share some of those. We've danced together at a club, slept in the same bed, nothing happened but just the fact that we did. And the one time we held hands in a car going to a club after taking 6 shots. I'm thinking most of these things mean nothing because how could it possibly mean anything. What makes it meaningful to her or to me? I mean we're best friends. Maybe it's the first time we've encountered being physical in the least bit. I think, "Hey, it probably doesn't mean anything to her, so why should it mean anything to me?" But the problem is, it somewhat means something to me. It use to not. But now, it's different. How? I don't know.

Maybe it's the fact that I have nothing going for me. The whole don't find love, it'll find you. I've tried that, it's useless because nothing will happen if I just sit out and do nothing. I've man-ed up, took a chance and try to talk to a receptionist at the gym, denied. I want to talk to 2 girls from my biology lab, but they both are taken. I go clubbing and I can barely get a girl to dance with me nowadays. It's getting to the point where I don't think I can find a girl.

I use to be good at suppressing these feelings. I had other things to worry about. But now, I'm getting older. The older I get, the more I think about it, the harder it is to suppress the feeling.

I just don't think she's ready for it. I dont think I'm ready for it. Plus, I want her to enjoy her single life. She recently has become single. I want her to have fun in college. When will it be the right time to tell her? Patrick told me that I have to tell her sometime. I know I have to. Even my cousin who I've just meet for the first time last weekend told me to go for it. He had the same problem. A childhood sweetheart. But he was too late because he said he calls her from time to time and her husband answers. 

I don't want to be that. I don't want to be too late. I just don't know when is the right time. I got her whoopies for v-day and had a personal message with it. 

• "Tonight I feel that my love for you has more density in this world than I do, myself: as though it could linger on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you." - The Time Traveler's Wife

You're beautiful in very single way.

The more I re-read the quote, the more I think I overdid it. It's kind of funny, though. When I think about "us" being together. I have that feeling that it would be amazing. We'd be Chuck and Blaire, Bonnie and Clyde, or Aladdin and Jasmine. I rarely thing about the negative outcome, but when I do it's horrible. 

Maybe she feels it, too. How am I suppose to know? There are no clues or hints about these unknown feelings. Maybe we just really aren't ready for it. I feel like if we start something, that's it. There's no turning back. I mean how can we? Our friendship has lasted since 5th grade. It'll be hard to start something and figure out it doesn't work and just be friends again. Maybe she's thinking that our friendship is on the line if we do. It'll be too much of a risk. 

I'm thinking way too much. I just needed to rant. I usually rant to her but with this, I can't. It involves her directly on an emotional level. 

Taking Chances and Living With the Outcome.

So about this receptionist, her name is Allie. 

I've been wanting to talk to her, take her out on a date, and just get to know her. I don't want a relationship to happen overnight. I just want to get to know her and maybe someday take it to the next level by forming a relationship. It would have been fun as i see it in my expectations. But we all know expectations are very different from reality. 

Last Tuesday, I felt like it was the right day. I was feeling good and just overall excited. I went to the gym without Derrick since he was busy studying and whatnot. She wasn't at the desk so i figured she wasn't working. After my intense, and I mean hardbody, workout, I was ready leave and there she was. She was at the desk taking a call. In my favor, I ran into Michelle and i said hey. She explained to me how her boss was giving her and her co-workers a membership to One Life as a Christmas gift. As our conversation ended, i headed to the Juice Bar. I stood there, lost because first i didnt know what to get and second I saw her walking towards me. She had to go around me to make the smoothie. 

Allie - What would you like to order?

Me - uhhhhh, can i get the Berry Berry Berry Good.

Allie - sure what size?

Me - Medium. 

Me - So how long have you worked here?

Allie - Over a year since August 1st.

Me - How do you like it?

Allie - It's fun for the most part but I do have those, 'I don't want to work' mood before.

Me - I see. I see.

That was about it. It was a pretty good smoothie, btw. hahaha I was so hyped when I got inside my car. I felt like I've won a million dollars. It's one of those feelings that even if you didn't get something out of it, it's the thought that you actually got somewhere with it. Baby Steps, Baby Steps, Baby Steps.  I see her on Wednesday but I just said hey and she replied with a hello. Thursday comes around and it was a bit weird but funny. I was walking toward the door and I could see that she was facing me but as soon as i opened the door, her back was turned to me. I could have sworn the whole staff was watching me walk in. As i scan my card she says hey and i say hey. I walk away and i could feel eyes watching me. I was about to leave and i notice that she was alone at the desk, folding towels. I could have done it right there. I managed to say, "You too" as a response to her,"See you later." As i walked to my door i was yelling in my mind. I was seriously about to go back and make the move but i didnt. Thursday wasn't my day. I had a negative day overall.

Friday comes around and it happened. Derrick was with me and we were done with our workout. We walked to the Juice Bar and were making our decision on what to order. She comes around and asks what would we like. Derrick order then me. I went for the small talk. 

Me - How was your day?

Allie - Slow. Fridays are so slow because no one really comes.

Me - What time do you get out?

Allie - Well i got someone to cover the rest of my shift so i leave at 3 but i would have worked until 5.

Me - I see. When is your busiest day?

Allie - Mondays.

pause.

Me - Do you work weekends?

Allie - Nope. If i did, i wouldn't be working Monday through Friday. I like to have my weekends free.

Me - Right right.

pause. Hands me the smoothie.

Allie - You can pay at the desk.

Me - okay..........I was wondering, if you're not busy, do you want to hang out, sometime?

Allie - blahblahblah, Boyfriend, blahblahblah.

Me - Oh. i see, He's a lucky guy.

Allie - *shrugs* I guess he is.

When you hear something that you know you really don't want to here, you tend to not even pay attention what it being said. That's what happened to me. As she hesitated and said boyfriend i just zoned out. The think that got me was when she shrugged. It seems like she was either not happy with her relationship or she just made the whole boyfriend up. I was totally out of it after we left. No matter how many times you get rejected, you still feel somewhat of a pain. As i used Facebook to it's full potential, creepin status, I found her profile and it was public. There was no proof that she has a boyfriend. I know, Facebook isn't a reliable source but it's something. I'm not mad that I got rejected. I'm mad that I was lied to in order to get rejected. It hurts a bit. She was simply not interested. But we are grown, there is no need to make excuses for your decision. I respect whatever her decision is, but you lose respect when you have to lie about it. I guess it all goes back to how I was shaped. My exgirlfriend never lied about the truth, no matter how ugly it sounded. So in result, I rather hear the truth no matter how awful it may be but as long as it's the truth, i'll appreciate it. I've been thinking of the situation over and over all weekend long. I can't change it. But I'm glad that I took the chance. I can say I did it rather than never have tried and come with 'what ifs' in my head. 

But really, come on. I just want someone to take a chance with me. It's just a date for some coffee. jeeze. I'm not asking for anything else. Just one date. If i could get just that, I'd be happy. her lost, right? 

truth is, I'm scared that everyone will partner up but me.  

The Single Life

I'm not going to lie, I enjoy every bit of the single life. I get to go to clubs, house parties, and college hopping without someone telling me I shouldn't or someone worrying about me making the wrong decisions. But of course, we all reach the point where we want to slow down and actually settle down with a significant other. Friday night, I had absolutely nothing to do. I went through my phonebook to see if I know any girl that would be down to go out. Nothing. That night, I had the sudden urge to take a girl out on a date. Whether it was go out to dinner, watch a movie, get coffee, or just settle somewhere and talk about life. The point is that i wanted to spend money on a girl. I wanted to make her feel special and treat her out because she deserves to be treated out. Now that is something, coming from me. I'm very protective of my money. I do not like to spend my money without having a purpose. I tend to save up most of the money I receive. I've been spoiling myself by buying clothes, shoes, and etc on myself. I want to spoil a girl, now. 

I'm considering on actually talking to the receptionist at the gym. I never noticed how stunning her eyes were until I went to the gym with my friend, Derrick. he forgot his membership key so he had to tell the receptionist his name and all that jazz. She asked if we were twins, and when i looked at her to respond, i notice her eyes. Her eyes were just so astonishing. I could stare into them for days and never get bored. The thing is, I've been out of the game for awhile and I'm rusty in the art of spitting game. I realized since I've been single I haven't tried to talk to girls. I mean I can talk to girls but I haven't asked any to go on dates with me. I don't want to mess up. Specially not with this girl. She is way too pretty to mess up on. See the thing is, most of the other girls, they were more of the dtf kind. Nope, not this receptionist. She deserves to be treated out. I need to lure her into my world and ask if she is interested in a coffee date.

How would I go about this?

Well, in my MIND, the way I keep playing it over and over in my head : I would go up to the desk ring up my membership card and hopefully she is there. She would ask, "how are you, today?" I rely, "I'm doing fine, you?" She replies and right before I go off to do my work out I would comment about how pretty her eyes are. She blushes and i smoothly ask if she wants to go get coffee sometime. She doesn't reply right away. So i tell her, "here, let me give you my number so if you do just let me know and if you don't, then you don't." BAM.

But we all know that what we want to happen never appears to happen in reality. In reality, I'll probably choke somewhere in the process or i might just chicken out afterall. 

Overall, I'm not ready to settle down and get wifed up. But I am willing to get to know that receptionist. Who knows? We might not even have anything in common and it'll only be a one time date or she could be my wifey. i guess what i'm trying to tell myself is that i should give it a try. there is nothing to lose, nothing is on the line. the only thing that there is, is that if i don't try, I'll never know.